Vicky Goes On (Again)

Category: Food

  • The Joy of Eggs

    eggs, eggs, eggs

    We give a lot of love to potatoes, and rightly so. Potatoes are great. Elite. Mashed, boiled, roasted, fried… and so many ways to fry them too for a different experience each time but I wanna talk about eggs.

    Let’s talk about eggs, baby.

    A number of people have told me that they “HATE” eggs. Like, how fucking dare you!?

    Eggs make mayonnaise and salad cream (and it still blows my little mind that the only difference is salad cream is made using cooked yolks or something like that. I’d look it up but I will not.) Eggs can be boiled, fried, poached, hard boiled, soft boiled (with “soldiers”. Which they do not do in the US. And we wonder why they are so weird?), coddled, baked, scrambled…

    Scrambled eggs

    Whenever a chef comes along showing us the best way to cook scrambled eggs they’re always damn near raw looking. “Add some creme fraiche, whisk on a low heat, sprinkle with parsley.” No, I won’t. There are 2 ways to cook scrambled eggs. Number 1: Whack it all in a pan and cook, cook, cook to your liking. Number 2: Mix in a bowl and then add to the pan with butter or oil lightly heated already and cook to your liking. Here’s another point: I like ’em both kinds of way and I like ’em slightly firm to bloody done and cooked right proper. (sidenote: I tried really hard to not use words like “loose” and “firm” to avoid scatology and sexual double entendre.)

    Boiled eggs

    How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like soft boiled eggs with soldiers. I have an egg cup in the cupboard and everything. But, here’s the problem. It’s so difficult to know exactly and for sure that you have got it right. I did get it down to an exact science once but then I started buying different sized eggs and it all went to pot. Now, I know, I could look it up and set a timer and blah, blah, blah. But I just scramble them or fry them. And I can fry a good egg, let me tell ya.

    Fried eggs

    I cannot stand a fried egg with any, and I mean ANY raw albumen. You serve me a snotty egg and my whole entire day is ruined. Yes, it is that deep. If I ever go to a cafe I will always order scrambled eggs, if possible. I’d rather have mediocre scrambled eggs than a snotty fried egg. I will die on this hill.
    If you also hate snotty eggs but don’t know how to cook them I suggest using a tablespoon to gently spoon the hot oil over the yolk. Just a li’l tip for you. For free.

    Coddled eggs

    You know when you try to poach an egg so you use one of those pans with the little sections in it and it sits in like a hot water bath? THAT, my friend, is actually a coddled egg. A poached egg is directly placed in the hot water. So, now you know. We had these fancy coddling egg pots which we never used. I should find them and steal them and have fancy coddled eggs.

    Poached eggs

    I do not like poached eggs because they are too wet and often snotty and too much is made of them being difficult to cook (I watch a lot of Channel 4 show ‘Four in a Bed’) and I will bet my bottom dollar they’re not THAT hard to cook. People like to overcomplicate things. Bastards. Get a coddler.

    Also, eggs are great because they are used in cakes and biscuits.

    I know that vegans exist and I respect that, you, and your life choices. But I love eggs more than I love you.

  • Just thinking about dinner

    I used to live alone so ate a lot of ‘girl dinner’. For those not perpetually online this means snicky-snacky things that require little prepping. In my case I had Roast Beef flavoured Monster Munch and M&S Chicken Wings. And sweeties for dessert. I would often think, ‘hey, I need to eat actual healthy meals’ and do some food prepping and take a healthy lunch of leftovers to work. This would last 4 days. In any given week I would make maybe 3 dinners. Which is a high number of dinners. And the weight crept back on… so no more of THAT behaviour.

    In my defence, I was in mourning for like 4 years of the time of the time I lived alone, and now I am merely grieving* and I no longer live alone. SO. I think about what exciting dishes I can cook for myself and my flatmate. And he gets annoyed with my constant asking, ‘what do you want me to cook, man?’
    Here’s the thing. It is hard enough for me to actually cook the meal. I don’t enjoy cooking. I find it tiresome and dull. I enjoy the eating and I know I am a decent cook. I can cook more than 3 things. And I’m not even including beans on toast or Roast Beef flavoured Monster Munch and M&S Chicken Wings. So, that’s 5 things right there. But the main thing that bothers me about cooking dinner is the thinking about what to cook for dinner.

    My flatmate and I have a pretty decent set up. He buys the meat (because he’s a man?) and I buy the other things which make up what the heck the meal is going to be. You can do all these different things with, say, chicken breast. I often feel like a contestant on Ready, Steady, Cook (is that the one with the carrier bag of random ingredients?). Sometimes I’ll let him off the hook and just ask, ‘OK, what protein? GO!!’ and from that I have to create a meal. Sometimes I’ll say, ‘OK, with potatoes, with rice, with noodles, or with pasta? GO!!’ or ‘Chinese-y, British-y, Spanish-y or what? GO!!’
    It’s like living in a sitcom/quiz show/mildly perplexing comic strip. I don’t know, ask him what he makes of it all. He’s just grateful to be fed. And he mostly does the washing up so I think it’s a fair exchange if somewhat slightly sexist.

    Anyway, he’s going away for a week soon so I had better stock up on Roast Beef flavoured Monster Munch and M&S Chicken Wings. Otherwise, what on earth will I have for dinner?

    Dinner of champions (and depressed women)

    *I have a whole thing to say about the difference so stay tuned for THAT fun adventure into sadness.