It’s been (and, frankly, continues to be) a long, dark Winter. We’re three months in and there’s now a war on. However, it is now the Chinese Year of the Horse. So, that’s good? I guess. I don’t know. I’m a dog. In 10 days it will be my birthday so I’m dealing with THAT whole thing too. Everything is too much and not enough. Still. Always. Must I forever feel feelings?
The sun came out briefly and I was filled with serenity for a moment but, as usual, that’s gone and it’s now windy and boring and depressing and existential.
SPRING in Bruce Castle ParkA rude looking gull in the City of London. Probably on cocaine.
Anyway.
I joined the gym so I should get some endorphins one of these days. I’ll be back shortly with like amusing observations on something shortly. Maybe I’ll tell you about clubbercise.
I love advent calendars. I love Happy Meal toys. I love Kinder eggs. I love Christmas Crackers. I guess what I’m admitting here is that if you want to excite me give me a piece of shit plastic or shitty choc in a **SURPRISE** and I am yours. I am won over. I am bowled over. I am mildly disappointed.
However. As usual capitalism has come and kicked this all down and made it crazy and weird. My TikTok FYP (for sensible non-crackheads an FYP is the For You Page which is basically the algorithm throwing videos at you and seeing what will stick) is full of insane advent calendars. And I mean insane. Expensive? YUP. Useless? Sure are. $1000 for a Dior one. Yes, 3 zeroes. One thousand. Dollary-doos. USD. Lord help us. Jesus didn’t die for this, did he? (I know this one is his birthday but he did eventually die, you know?).
ALSO, since when did these 12 day advent calendars become a thing? I was already annoyed with those calendars that don’t have a big ol’ window to open on the 25th (yes, I know advent ends on 24th but I want a bigger window on the 25th and that’s that) but now they bring out 12 day advent calendars. That is NOT advent. That’s 12 days of bullshit. I blame social media. I also blame capitalism but that’s nothing new.
top 5 most annoying/expensive/pointless calendars
L’Occitane £120 luxe skincare
Jo Malone £550 It doesn’t even look nice…
Clarins 12 Day £75.75 Nearly £80 in this economy and we’re getting 12 miniatures?
Lakeland Lights Co. £99 12 candles for ONE HUNDRED POUNDS. You could go to B&M and buy like a million tealights…
Yumbles Cracking Nuts 12 days of Christmas £67.70 12 pots of nuts for £70? Do you know how many packets of KP Nuts you could get for that amount? (35 packets of £2 bags from Iceland. Apparently)
Anyway, did you know you can get cheaper advent calendars from today (1st December)? Well, now you do. I might pop into Tesco/Asda/Sainsbury’s (other supermarkets are available) and buy some. One. Three. Several. And get a Kinder Egg too.
Enjoy advent and I will be back shortly with some more festive fun (?)
In the olden days (anything longer than 5 years ago, but which 5 years? This could be a much longer tangent but basically, time is an illusion and everything was either “the other day”, “5 years ago (but resolutely NOT 2020), or “in the past“) I always thought of Coke (Coca-Cola) as being 50p and figuring out the cost of foreign money from that. About 5 years ago (see tangent) this changed to £1. Listen, I know we all know the Freddo cost price index but I am no economist so I used the price of a can of Coke. Now, here’s the horror: A can of Coke, when not purchased as part of a Meal Deal is £1.55. One POUND and FIFTY FIVE PENCE. In GBP.
My friend Kelinda writes: ‘Why is everything £20?’ And she’s right. Everything is £20. I leave my house to buy some vegetables for an evening meal and the price is £20. What are these vegetables made from? I’m not even shopping at Waitrose. This is Asda. And my wages are alright, you know? I spend £150,000 a week on food shopping and I don’t even buy the meat. Everything is either £5 or £20 or £1000.
And here’s the kicker – it really, really doesn’t have to be this way. B&M reported earnings will be between £510m to £560m in 2025 which is an 18% decline. So fucking what? It’s still a lot of fucking money. Why is everything in capitalism growth, growth, growth? Because of the shareholders. Look, I get that the shareholders want their sweet, sweet green but you cannot seriously look me in my eyeballs and say £510 million GBP Sterling cash money is not a lot of money. You cannot talk straight out of your mouths and expect me to think, “yeah, you know what? You should be putting Coke up to £3 a can. Coca-Cola is a poor li’l company with no money at all. Won’t somebody think of the shareholders?”
£11m was paid out to the UKs privatised water companies as part of the “water restoration fund” in April 2024. £78BILLION was paid by water companies to its shareholders since privatisation started in 1989 (with much thanks to the Private Eye for the figures). All that and approximately 590 million litres of water are lost DAILY by Thames Water alone. I pay those bitches over £50 a month. Literally falls from the sky and I pay that. (OK, I pay half but the point damn well still stands).
What are we supposed to do? Pay £20 for eggs, bodywash, tomatoes. And then £30, £40, £700? Where will it end? When do we say, “enough. I am not paying £14 for a Freddo!”?
A lot of companies are going bust but I wonder if it is because they’re also pricing themselves to extinction? Capitalism is supposed to be about market forces and the consumer dictating through their wallets what we want and what we are willing to purchase. But, I’m not willing to spend £4 on a tomato. And what are we left with? We do need to purchase food. We literally cannot sustain ourselves singularly. We are homo sapiens because of agriculture and tribal living.
OK, this is too much. I’m going to get a chicken coop and some tomato seeds. BRB.
Oh, and don’t get me started on shrinkflation. Kerrygold butter is now 50g less for the same price. The feckin’ gobshites.
Vicky Goes On (Again) 