It’s the last bank holiday of the Summer and the weather is slowly turning autumnal. The leaves are falling off the trees and the air is getting a bit crispy and clear. Also, since it’s August, it means it’s the Notting Hill Carnival.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a curmudgeon about all sorts of things so don’t think that I’m singling Carnival out for any sort of ideological reasons. It’s just that I am from right near there and they always got in my fucking way. AND the shops locally try to rip off the locals thinking we’re carnival-goers. And the tube stations are exit only and the rubbish is strewn all over the bleedin’ shop.
And another thing, some of us don’t want to stay awake listening to whistles, throbbing bass lines, and vuvuzelas (are they even still a thing actually?).
I often wonder why I always feel so reluctant to get involved with bank holidays and summer fun. And I have realised that the reason I am reluctant is because everyone else is also there. I much rather have a random day off with a lot fewer people about. For someone born in London I sure don’t like crowds. Sidenote: I have just been having a conversation with the enigmatic flatmate where I just admitted that I find interacting with anyone at all a bit much. Sometimes. God, it’s hard being a human person.
It’s not a bank holiday in Scotland or Ireland this week and that’s why i have always enjoyed visiting those countries during this weekend but in an effort to save some pennies I have not gone anywhere at all this year. And yet, I am still not a millionaire. I don’t even have Netflix.
P.S. I want some barbecue chicken and I have been thinking about indoor, smokeless barbecue cookers. Who knew such things existed? What a world.
We give a lot of love to potatoes, and rightly so. Potatoes are great. Elite. Mashed, boiled, roasted, fried… and so many ways to fry them too for a different experience each time but I wanna talk about eggs.
Let’s talk about eggs, baby.
A number of people have told me that they “HATE” eggs. Like, how fucking dare you!?
Eggs make mayonnaise and salad cream (and it still blows my little mind that the only difference is salad cream is made using cooked yolks or something like that. I’d look it up but I will not.) Eggs can be boiled, fried, poached, hard boiled, soft boiled (with “soldiers”. Which they do not do in the US. And we wonder why they are so weird?), coddled, baked, scrambled…
Scrambled eggs
Whenever a chef comes along showing us the best way to cook scrambled eggs they’re always damn near raw looking. “Add some creme fraiche, whisk on a low heat, sprinkle with parsley.” No, I won’t. There are 2 ways to cook scrambled eggs. Number 1: Whack it all in a pan and cook, cook, cook to your liking. Number 2: Mix in a bowl and then add to the pan with butter or oil lightly heated already and cook to your liking. Here’s another point: I like ’em both kinds of way and I like ’em slightly firm to bloody done and cooked right proper. (sidenote: I tried really hard to not use words like “loose” and “firm” to avoid scatology and sexual double entendre.)
Boiled eggs
How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like soft boiled eggs with soldiers. I have an egg cup in the cupboard and everything. But, here’s the problem. It’s so difficult to know exactly and for sure that you have got it right. I did get it down to an exact science once but then I started buying different sized eggs and it all went to pot. Now, I know, I could look it up and set a timer and blah, blah, blah. But I just scramble them or fry them. And I can fry a good egg, let me tell ya.
Fried eggs
I cannot stand a fried egg with any, and I mean ANY raw albumen. You serve me a snotty egg and my whole entire day is ruined. Yes, it is that deep. If I ever go to a cafe I will always order scrambled eggs, if possible. I’d rather have mediocre scrambled eggs than a snotty fried egg. I will die on this hill. If you also hate snotty eggs but don’t know how to cook them I suggest using a tablespoon to gently spoon the hot oil over the yolk. Just a li’l tip for you. For free.
Coddled eggs
You know when you try to poach an egg so you use one of those pans with the little sections in it and it sits in like a hot water bath? THAT, my friend, is actually a coddled egg. A poached egg is directly placed in the hot water. So, now you know. We had these fancy coddling egg pots which we never used. I should find them and steal them and have fancy coddled eggs.
Poached eggs
I do not like poached eggs because they are too wet and often snotty and too much is made of them being difficult to cook (I watch a lot of Channel 4 show ‘Four in a Bed’) and I will bet my bottom dollar they’re not THAT hard to cook. People like to overcomplicate things. Bastards. Get a coddler.
Also, eggs are great because they are used in cakes and biscuits.
I know that vegans exist and I respect that, you, and your life choices. But I love eggs more than I love you.
I went for an eye test the other day and, in a rare positive of ageing, my eyesight is improving. This means I need a new prescription. A weaker prescription. Weird, huh? Well, things can only get better and then they’ll get worse.
I’ve been wearing glasses since I was 11 years old. So only 5 or 6 years 32 years. I was reminded only today that there was a time when you could get spectacles within the hour. WITHIN the hour. Do you know how long my regular, boring, single vision, no coating, no thinning lenses will take? 2 weeks. One whole fortnight. Why? How have we regressed?
I was watching a YouTube video (now, I warn you, the topic of the video is going to sound boring but we’ve been over this. I need to be distracted and I find myself watching no end of nonsense) on the decline of 24-hour Tesco supermarkets. And I thought, “oh yeah. That was a thing. An actual, real thing that did not exist, then did exist, and now no longer exists.” And, like, I get it. They’re not economically viable. But there feels like there used to be a time when things were done, services provided, goods made – not for profit (or not solely for profit) but because that was what was for the best for society, or the customer, or whatever.
‘Enshittification’ was coined by a science fiction writer, Cory Doctorow, about declining in quality of services. Usually this is about web platforms, e.g. Google. Have ya noticed how shit Google searches have become? I tend to add “reddit” to the end of my searches in order to get something useful. I know, but Reddit can be useful. When I first heard about enshittification I thought, “yeah. I see that. The internet ain’t what it once was.” But, enshittification is actually everywhere now.
Police stations no longer have service counters in them, if they’re open at all. Glasses take several weeks to be made and even then the level of care, of customer service is severely lacking. I don’t want to sound like a Boomer but it used to be that opticians, shops staff, police officers, etc at least pretended to care about the services they were offering.
In a world that is over consuming and over selling you’d expect that they should want to give us something more. But you know why they don’t? Because we accept it. We still buy the things and overconsume so who cares that it’s shoddier now? We’re still going to buy all the tat we want.
In the 1950s fridges were a marvel. These basic goods were built to improve the housewife’s life. These were goddamned beauties.
Just look at this
And now what have we got? Smart fridges? HAH
Greggs used to sell more than just sausage rolls. The other day I went in there to buy, admittedly, sausage rolls but I also wanted to buy, like, whatever else. A cookie. A sarnie. I was at a loose end and I had money on the app. Now they’re selling pizza and whatnot but they’ve forgotten that they’re a bakery. Do you think you can buy bread from Greggs? You’d think so, wouldn’t you. What with bakers famously making bread. You’d be wrong. Not a bloomer nor a cob in sight. It’s actually bullshit. (NB I still love Greggs though I do fear they’ve become rather overrated and they’d better knock it off).
This all began when Freddos started being used as a guide for inflation. I do not think nor want to pretend that the past was better. It wasn’t. And even if it was – who cares? We’re here now. All I’m saying is that there seems to be a lack of care in the world. There are fewer and fewer customer care phone numbers and where there are you’ll be lucky to be answered within 20 minutes and for your call to be resolved. Everything is a hoohah and a palaver. And I am sick of it.
Vicky Goes On (Again) 