Vicky Goes On (Again)

Words you may read…

  • Pumpkin Spice Lattes and fall (of mankind)

    The Commercialisation of Christmas Autumn

    I blame Starbucks. No, I blame the Americans. Hmmm, I suppose they made Starbucks so maybe I blame Starbucks. I blame Starbucks and Instagram and social media and white women and capitalism.
    Babes, it’s always capitalism.
    I agree that we all need to squeeze whatever pleasure we can out of the world and if you want a pumpkin spice latte and an aesthetic pic to post on IG with a browning leaf in the background then who am I to stop you? But, and do hear me out here, I feel like when all the corporations are getting in on the act maybe take a moment to pause and think, ‘do I really want this fuzzy pumpkin table decoration or am I just being sold stuff?’

    That was a long sentence and I apologise.

    We are always just being sold stuff.
    Do you like Autumn? Do you want to tell the world that you’re a GIRL who likes candles and hot drinks and pumpkins with bows on them (?) and burnt orange? Why not buy this piece of fast fashion from Shein (surprise!) for only £8. The thing is, that is a really nice colour t.shirt. Can I get that but without the nonsense graphic?

    What about a mug that only really makes sense for 4 months of the year (IF I’M BEING GENEROUS)? Again, that is a pretty nice looking mug. Let’s make it ridiculous. Because it is a *Season*. And, I get it, you are a company that sells stuff so you think of ways to sell stuff. That’s showbiz, baby. And Halloween is a fun, spooky time of year that somewhat acts as a barrier between Summer Fun tat and Christmas tat. Great. Except it doesn’t, not really. You just get Halloween AND Christmas stuff in the shops (and Thanksgiving stuff if you’re in the USA) so every corner you turn you see variations of this:

    Christmas pumpkin disco mayhem bauble.

    And the flavours! Oh the flavours you get. Like Willy Wonka in an Autumn fever dream. Cinnamon this, pumpkin that. Nutmeg, cloves. It’s never garlic and basil is it? Is it?

    Finally, pumpkin is not a spice. What spice is pumpkin spice? This isn’t about pumpkin spice, really.

    I’m tired.

  • Bank Holiday

    It’s the last bank holiday of the Summer and the weather is slowly turning autumnal. The leaves are falling off the trees and the air is getting a bit crispy and clear. Also, since it’s August, it means it’s the Notting Hill Carnival.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a curmudgeon about all sorts of things so don’t think that I’m singling Carnival out for any sort of ideological reasons. It’s just that I am from right near there and they always got in my fucking way. AND the shops locally try to rip off the locals thinking we’re carnival-goers. And the tube stations are exit only and the rubbish is strewn all over the bleedin’ shop.

    And another thing, some of us don’t want to stay awake listening to whistles, throbbing bass lines, and vuvuzelas (are they even still a thing actually?).

    I often wonder why I always feel so reluctant to get involved with bank holidays and summer fun. And I have realised that the reason I am reluctant is because everyone else is also there. I much rather have a random day off with a lot fewer people about. For someone born in London I sure don’t like crowds. Sidenote: I have just been having a conversation with the enigmatic flatmate where I just admitted that I find interacting with anyone at all a bit much. Sometimes. God, it’s hard being a human person.

    It’s not a bank holiday in Scotland or Ireland this week and that’s why i have always enjoyed visiting those countries during this weekend but in an effort to save some pennies I have not gone anywhere at all this year. And yet, I am still not a millionaire. I don’t even have Netflix.

    P.S. I want some barbecue chicken and I have been thinking about indoor, smokeless barbecue cookers. Who knew such things existed? What a world.

  • The Joy of Eggs

    eggs, eggs, eggs

    We give a lot of love to potatoes, and rightly so. Potatoes are great. Elite. Mashed, boiled, roasted, fried… and so many ways to fry them too for a different experience each time but I wanna talk about eggs.

    Let’s talk about eggs, baby.

    A number of people have told me that they “HATE” eggs. Like, how fucking dare you!?

    Eggs make mayonnaise and salad cream (and it still blows my little mind that the only difference is salad cream is made using cooked yolks or something like that. I’d look it up but I will not.) Eggs can be boiled, fried, poached, hard boiled, soft boiled (with “soldiers”. Which they do not do in the US. And we wonder why they are so weird?), coddled, baked, scrambled…

    Scrambled eggs

    Whenever a chef comes along showing us the best way to cook scrambled eggs they’re always damn near raw looking. “Add some creme fraiche, whisk on a low heat, sprinkle with parsley.” No, I won’t. There are 2 ways to cook scrambled eggs. Number 1: Whack it all in a pan and cook, cook, cook to your liking. Number 2: Mix in a bowl and then add to the pan with butter or oil lightly heated already and cook to your liking. Here’s another point: I like ’em both kinds of way and I like ’em slightly firm to bloody done and cooked right proper. (sidenote: I tried really hard to not use words like “loose” and “firm” to avoid scatology and sexual double entendre.)

    Boiled eggs

    How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like soft boiled eggs with soldiers. I have an egg cup in the cupboard and everything. But, here’s the problem. It’s so difficult to know exactly and for sure that you have got it right. I did get it down to an exact science once but then I started buying different sized eggs and it all went to pot. Now, I know, I could look it up and set a timer and blah, blah, blah. But I just scramble them or fry them. And I can fry a good egg, let me tell ya.

    Fried eggs

    I cannot stand a fried egg with any, and I mean ANY raw albumen. You serve me a snotty egg and my whole entire day is ruined. Yes, it is that deep. If I ever go to a cafe I will always order scrambled eggs, if possible. I’d rather have mediocre scrambled eggs than a snotty fried egg. I will die on this hill.
    If you also hate snotty eggs but don’t know how to cook them I suggest using a tablespoon to gently spoon the hot oil over the yolk. Just a li’l tip for you. For free.

    Coddled eggs

    You know when you try to poach an egg so you use one of those pans with the little sections in it and it sits in like a hot water bath? THAT, my friend, is actually a coddled egg. A poached egg is directly placed in the hot water. So, now you know. We had these fancy coddling egg pots which we never used. I should find them and steal them and have fancy coddled eggs.

    Poached eggs

    I do not like poached eggs because they are too wet and often snotty and too much is made of them being difficult to cook (I watch a lot of Channel 4 show ‘Four in a Bed’) and I will bet my bottom dollar they’re not THAT hard to cook. People like to overcomplicate things. Bastards. Get a coddler.

    Also, eggs are great because they are used in cakes and biscuits.

    I know that vegans exist and I respect that, you, and your life choices. But I love eggs more than I love you.